Monday, February 21, 2005

Questions Unanswered

So here I sit. A being of blood and rage awaiting a call. Something to move me towards.... something.
I persue fields of right and wrong with a practiced eye towards doing "the right thing" as it is called. But to what ends? After what feels as a life time I still feel no closer to an answer. Am I a wayward soldier struggling to live thru an invisible war? Am I a holyman flung into a pit of heathen? Or am I just a lunatic that has not come to know himself?
I once heard something said and it has always weighed on my mind.
Does the loneliness of good, compare to the loneliness of evil?
And what of these deeds that I do? So they serve anyone? Have I ever actually saved anyone? Have I even helped anyone? Some would say yes but I do not know. It seems as if for all my attempts they still become victims. And what of myself? Does my suffering bear fruit in the afterlife? Are there members of a great hall waiting to welcome me with open arms, and show me the way into a field of grain? Its nice to think so, but its hard to know. Once my faith and belief was like steel. But steel rusts unless it is oiled and cleaned. I take the small blessings and am happy for them. But what of the joys my heart seeks? Are they simply things to be ignored? Most religions would say that if you do your lord's bidding then you're rewarded. I still wait for joyful rewards. Perhaps the small blessings are my rewards. Maybe they are just gifts of the faith. Mayhap I have not done enough. I dont know. All I really do know is that its dark here, and the only sound is my breathing.

Friday, February 18, 2005

I dont think anyone else noticed

I waited patiently as she passed. She knew I was watching. I was always watching. Her form drew my eyes to her. I could see tell-tale folds and curves under the long black dress that hinted at a small, tight body. As she place books on the shelf I walked behind her. She turned and her eyes met mine. For what seemed like long moments we stared at each other. I could feel something animal inside me bearing its teeth as it pressed against the skin of my face wanting to burst forth and devour this lithe beauty. I cant be certain but I think she moved closer to me as we stood transfixed, our eyes locked.
Without a word I reached out and took her hand. He flesh was so white and tender at the wrist a deep contrast to my rough dark skin. She gasped a protest, which I barely heard. Gently I pulled her closer to me. She opened her mouth to form a protest. I clamped my mouth over hers before she could utter a sound. Her body vibrated against me and I could feel her heart pounding. Her back arched as she pushed against me, thrusting her breasts into me trying to break free. After a few moments she clamped herself against me and kissed me in earnest.
Breathless she stepped back from me. Her eyes were bright and liquid, almost like pools of green sea water. Her mouth worked to form a word. I already knew what it was. I took hold and kissed her again. We fell to the floor whithering and clutching at eachother. We moved together as one being with one thought to our minds. When we rolled away from each other spent and weak our eyes locked again. I could see fear in her eyes. Her guilts and fears had already found her. I jumped up straightening my clothes. Timidly she took my hand as I reached out to her. We stood staring at each other a long time then. Both of us knew nothing like this would never happen again. She jumped with a start as the bell above the door rang. I casually slipped around a bookshelf as she turned to greet the customers. Once outside I looked thru the window at her one last time. Her habit was wrinkled, but I dont think anyone else noticed.